The most beautiful mares of the night, and somewhere in the paralysis, I woke up to reality. More than two months of solitary wandering in the valley of the shadows with the tale of the lost girl and her indifference, ignorance - the discard phase.
When I needed someone the most, she showed me what I meant to her - nothing.
It took me a while to weather through the cold and the evil, devastating.
Held, bound by her chains, denied, invisible, all that she is, "the lady of ice"
Long ago (2016) on a dark night at the old pagan sacrificial site, Smörkullen outside Falkenberg. She said she was there to destroy my soul. At the same she whispered that she is harmless and kind. She almost succeeded in destroying, but souls like mine are difficult, I have been here before, have seen all of her many sides, the most beautiful ugly and the ugliest beautiful.
Not just in her, in everything I've ever been, like Hades, like Akelarres, like the prince of darkness and the lord of flies in all times, she is always there with me, in different forms,
the vampire that drains. Only because she wants to destroy me, take away my desire, copy and mirror me, diminish me, deny me, all to escape her own emptiness, self-hatred, and her insecurity within. I loved even worshipped her, let myself be used, to win us.
We both lost. Time went by and I went with, the wounds persist but still, she was beautiful, in all her vulnerable tenderness and innocence, always the victim even when she sets the world on fire or hunts with steel in hand.
I have deceived myself oh so many times now, but an idiot like me gladly does that, loses myself in the belief in love. I like the feeling now that we became ghosts again, and I escaped, alive, not everyone did.
I understood - the power she thought she had is gone.
She lost the only one who genuinely cared about her. Her own choices. I wonder for myself who she will be next time I meet her in one of her forms, maybe redhead, or who knows, maybe she comes from far away, from Lilith's origin between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, or who knows, is it you, Lilith?
The map is broken, and there are many paths to choose to get completely lost again. Under the glow, the glow glows for me, the pulse returns, I rise, feel the sulfur, and create something new to lose myself in. Create art from what I have experienced.
Exposing me, honest, demons. Over and over again, I arm myself with wings, with being strong, start taking for myself again, live, create, pulse, BE - just all of that she hates.
The image above,
"Lionized beliefs by the codependent,"
Small edition prints avaible, size 21x30cm
It's about me, about her, about all I am, we were, and have been.
I took it in Mecklenburg between Warnemunde and Heiligendamm - Kuhlungsborn, in a haunted odd forest called "Gespentzerwald."
Interestingly enough, ghost wood, translated.
The models are very close friends of mine who lost themselves on the way and burned themselves, each other. I hope both find their way home again.
( Maybe even it is an selfportraitt of us ? )
Trivia:
The place is dear to my heart after my years as an artist in residence there and my years in Berlin. Oddly enough, the media in Germany used to compare my art to Edward Munch at my first exhibition there in der Ostssebad Kunsthalle, didn't understand it then.
Today when I see that picture, others - I realize the desperation in them and that they are created from my own demons, feelings, codependency, frustration, love, madness, shattered visions, and utopias.
What I didn't know when I read it for the first time was that Edward Munch was an artist in residence in just Warnemunde, though 100 years earlier than me, and when I see his own pictures from the same places I created in, with a hundred years in between.
-Yes, maybe we felt the same inside, his demons remind me of mine.
I recently saw his pictures that he took right here. I have obviously been inspired by him more than I ever realized. Created a little homage to him outside his old artist residence that I hopefully exhibit in Warnemunde next year or so. More about that later. / Czon
Czon. BPD, NPD, Avoidant, Codenpendacy, Discard, discard phase, art, arte, borderline art, Narcisstic art, victim of abuse, demons, scorned woman,
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